Handsome and Gretta

In some woods a family did live

To begin with the parents all had all their love to give

Then the children’s puberty hit

And they became annoying little shits

So the parents made a daring plan

To rid them of children and start again

They would take them to the forest. Lock them out

Ignore whatever they threw or whatever they could shout

 

But Handsome and Gretta heard them talk

And before they were taken for a walk

They filled their pockets and dropped their stones

Then when they were alone

They followed their trail back

It wasn’t long until they were back on track.

 

“We outsmarted you, you crazy bitch”

they shouted as they entered the kitchen

“So you thought you could fool us?!” Gretta said annoyed

“Oh, dear, don’t be so paranoid”

The next day they took the children in deep

Then they ran and got in their jeep

And fled to an island in Spain

Never to return to the forest again

 

So Handsome and Gretta were on their own

Starving hungry and desperately alone

But in true fairy tale style

They’d only walked a mile

And came across a house of candy cane and ginger bread

“Lets feast!” Handsome said

As they got their dirty hands on the yummy house

The wicked witch of south Yorkshire snuck out quiet as a mouse

 

Her luscious locks were green and brown

Her face beautiful if it wasn’t for the frown

“Oh children I have a treat for you!”

She sang as she beckoned with her finger too

The children raced and demanded their treat

“My my! You do have a lot of meat”

“We want sweets and chocolate and all that!

Never mind you telling me that I’m fat!”

 

Then the children pushed the witch in the oven

Unafraid of whether she was part of a covern

Satisfied the children ate her giant cookie dough man

The witch exploded out of the oven “That was going to be my husband!”

Handsome and Gretta were lost for words

Hadn’t they just killed her?

 

“I’m a witch you little brats.

Think fire will kill me? It takes more than that”

 

“Now children a lesson must be taught”

She grabbed them by the ears and held even if they fought

She said, “Onto the spit roast chums”

As she stuck skewers up their bums

Round and round they turned

Until they were well done but not burnt

 

That day she decided to have rump and breast

She took out the silverware, her very best

Seasoned them with salt and pepper

The witch could not be happier

Two children to eat and a husband being baked

Becoming a cannibalistic witch was no mistake!