Mauvais Traitement

Thought it was a new chance.

Someone who wouldn’t hurt me.

I just kept pretending.

But it wasn’t meant to be.

 

It was never good.

No matter how much I tried to deny.

He thought I was such an embarrassment

Refused to tell anyone and wouldn’t tell me why.

 

It never got better.

He always had to be right

Even if there was nothing to argue about

He still had to start a fight.

 

The words became fists.

And he couldn’t control them anymore

I started to hurt myself

That’s what wrists are for.

 

He pinned me down.

He grinned his sadistic grin

I didn’t understand the smile,

Then thrust himself in.

 

I stopped trying to push away

Tears down my face.

I was damaged now.

Such a dirty disgrace.

 

It would happen a lot more.

Time and time again.

He beats, he rapes, he promises he loves me

And causes me so much pain.

 

Who could I tell?

Who would believe?

A silly fourteen-year-old girl.

Stupid. Young. Naïve

 

I’m laid alone in my room,

Two empty bottles next to one hand.

My head dosed and vomit at my lips

It hadn’t gone as planned.

 

I feel his baby in my stomach.

The sick comes back up again.

The blood begins to run down my legs

I double over, the worst ever pain.

 

I force down as many as I can

But they don’t seem to be staying down.

The pain is unbearable

As I force the alien out.

 

I want to be sad but all I feel is disgust.

He wouldn’t believe me.

So I don’t tell him.

The painkillers have started to make me dizzy.

 

I struggle to stay awake all night

I don’t want to die.

This wasn’t what I meant to happen.

So numb I can’t even make myself cry

 

He shouts when I see him the next day.

He always shouts.

Then I become his punch bag.

Same old, day in day out.

 

I’ve made up my mind.

He won’t hit me again.

Because I’m going to leave him.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe the day after.

But then for some reason I don’t.

Sometimes I wonder if he means it when he says so.

When he tells me how much he loves me.

When he tells me I’m the most beautiful person he’s ever met

When he tells me of the future he wants for us and our kids.

Sometimes I’m almost convinced that he does.

Stupid fucking idiot.

When did you stop fighting back?

 

I know if I leave him I’ll just be damaged goods.

No one would want someone this used.

Someone who’s been abused.

Someone so confused.