Rumpleforeskin

Once upon a time. Not all that far away

A father and his daughter lived in a town called Barnsley.

Mary was spoilt something rotten

And there appeared to be something the man had forgotten

As when she told him that she could spin hay into gold

The man rushed to the king and told!

Of his wonderful daughters imaginary skill

But he was a sceptic, good old King Phil

 

He offered the liar a great reward

If she could, he’d marry her and she’d be adored.

But if she turned out to be as false as he believed

Of her life she’d be relieved.

He thought she was somewhat of a mong

But was reasonably sure his instincts weren’t wrong.

So in a room with a spinning wheel she was locked.

In the morning he’d see if gold from hay she could really concoct.

 

Of course the girl sat and wept

Until finally she slept.

But then a miracle occurred

Though it was rather absurd.

A vertically challenged man appeared from a secret passage way

And into gold he did spin the hay.

She then to his mischievous face awoke

And unto her he spoke:

 

“The king will test you twice more

And if you are a nice little whore,

I’ll do your dirty work for you

For a reward of course - gold and a screw.”

The girl too thick to realise what he meant

And didn’t understand his sexual intent.

She agreed without second thought

And just prayed the little man would not be caught.

 

The next day the king was not pleased.

And his royal guards did tease.

For he had to marry a common Barnsley wench

He swore then said, “excuse my French”

As he did not want to marry

So had the room filled with as much hay the guards could carry.

And demanded more from the girl

The moment he left the vertically challenged man appeared and gave a twirl.

 

The next day the same.

And finally the king could not deny the claim.

The girl apparently did spin hay to gold

And he’d have to marry soon as he was pretty old.

So one last chance he gave her to fail

Before she went to pick out her wedding veil.

But tonight would be the night that would change all

And the girl would never wish to recall.

 

She offered the Goblin a metal screw.

And he quoted “That’s not what I had in mind to do”

In no time he was up her skirt

And took off his shirt.

Due to his premature ejaculation problem it was over quick

And she didn’t even mind it

Then he spun the hay

And was on his way.

 

The next day the king married the not so beautiful Mary

Even though her constant talking made him weary.

And she was far too common from her own good.

But never the less she was soon in motherhood.

After the baby was born the king realised something was wrong.

It was as if the baby didn’t quite belong.

For he was very hairy and very small…

But then again, his wife was from Barnsley after all.

 

After one year a phone call came through from Jeremy Kyle

That suggested that his wife might have been vile

And that someone had come forwards to be the baby’s daddy.

At this the king threw a paddy

He swept her off to the show

For certain he wanted to know.

“Name the father” the title read

“The perfect title for a one night stand” Jeremy Kyle said.

 

They all came on stage and threw some fists

And when the Queen came on stage the audience booed and hissed.

Both the Goblin and the Queen took the lie detector test

And she came out as a liar just as Jezza had guessed.

Then a paternity test was done.

And surprise surprise…it was the Goblins son.

 

After the queen was kicked out she then was summoned to court.

As this was the Goblins last resort.

He intended to be a good father to her kid

And if she stopped him, heaven forbid,

He would teach her a thing or two about spinning wheels

Then cook her and eat her for every meal.

The Judge looked on the scene in confusion.

Then decided, she must be crazy this was just a delusion.

 

For in front of Judge Judy, two fairy tale characters stood.

But she had a job to do, and do it she would.

First to the stand the father in question.

But when asked to tell his name, he scoffed at the suggestion.

“My name is my business how else would I trick maidens fair?

Besides, you’ll all just laugh and point and stare.”

The Judge informed him the session would not carry on.

If he didn’t say his name, the case would be withdrawn.

 

“Okay, if you please. Rumpleforeskin is my name”

He whipped it out as proof  “yes yes, funny but with age that’s what it became!”

His lawyer then showed the evidence from the Jeremy Kyle show.

A talk-show paternity test didn’t hold up in court though.

The boy was to be looked after by the ex-queen.

Which made Rumpleforeskin very angry indeed.

So, angry at the judge, he stomped his foot through the floor.

And when trying to free it - into two he tore.

 

It was a happy day for the ex-queen.

But not so great for Catalina, the cleaner, as there was a lot of blood to clean